I have struggled enormously with whether to bring you in on the truth of my journey. Whether it is irresponsible to bring a reader in on your crisis without a solution poised in the other hand. Most of the time, I feel at peace with the truth, honesty, the vulnerability of my struggle for the pure sake of reminding us all that we are not alone. However, this only feels safe in smaller matters, in things that I am sure that we all deal with. There are much larger questions that loom over my head that do not feel so safe to bring others into, should I also bring them into my own nightmares.
I often wonder whether I am the only one who lies awake at night wondering about our place in the universe. No one else brings it up at dinner tables, friends don’t discuss it over brunch. I wonder, does everyone just fully believe they have it figured out? Am I the only one burdened by the crisis of the enormous unknown? Am I the only one that sees that many of the truths that we have embraced are no longer working for an entire generation? The only one who spends their days wondering what kind of spirituality I will hand down to my children? Sometimes it feels like I am the only one who refuses to embrace anything that does not work itself out completely on both the existential and practical level.
The cost of talking about this openly feels enormous. I have been a first-hand witness of the slurs divvied out to anyone who diverges from the taught path. Maybe they would not feel so poignant if it not for the way in which they were so condescendingly said, “Crisis of faith,” “heretic,” “falling away,” “deceived.” Sometimes I wonder if my nightmares are more a product of these labels, than the questions themselves. To be wrong is not a scary thing. To be cut off is gut-wrenchingly terrifying.
I have felt on the outs for quite some time now because of these questions, because of the need I have had to break away from tenants that have been given to me as supreme law. These laws inherently have a way of so easily creating in-groups and out-groups. I have had the privilege of being in the in-group for most of my life. I guess it is only fair now that I assume the ranks with those who have always been on the outs; the critical thinkers, the questioners, the mystics, the atheists, the agnostics, those who throw the middle finger to it all. Everything was always so neatly laid out for me in Christianity. Out here, it is the wild wild west. You have to fight for your own bread. Nothing is handed to you here.
There is another reason I have hesitated so to be too honest with this crisis. To open it up so publicly. This reason feels by far the most dangerous. It has made me question whether I should wait decades before talking about any of this.
My family.
My family, who loves me so dearly. The first to read my writing and the only ones who value them for far more than their mere entertainment value. The ones who could easily lie awake at night with me, worrying about me. Worrying about what conclusions I will come to. Worrying whether they will be the right ones.
Anyone who comes from a religious family knows the dread that fills the parental heart when beliefs are on the line. Sometimes it seems to compare to that of someone in the family being sick or dying. Sometimes, it seems, the dread is even worse. The only thing worse than death is the threat of eternity, which even that would not be so bad had we not also added the flames, the torture, and the eternal darkness. You get the picture.
To these dear ones, to these enormous hearts that love me with such an undying love, if the words I write here cause you too much grief, please return back to the place that is True Peace. You know it well. You are the one who taught it to me. Please do not worry for me and call that prayer. Please do not lose your own peace for the admirable cause of concern. Your peace is the most valuable thing you can offer me. Your gentle trust in the beautiful unfolding of all things is the only thing I ask of you.
It is not lost on me, the gravity of this kind of writing. I was taught to watch my words extremely carefully because there is always someone watching. Someone you could lead astray. It has long been placed on me to carry the responsibility of ensuring nothing I do or say causes a person to fall away or reject God. Imagine the weight of that when your soul calling is to air all your doubts in public view so that people may use them to navigate their own quest for truth.
It can feel quite heavy, to say the least.
Now that all that is off my chest, I feel that the real work can begin. Truth be told, I am not shy to drama or a new adventure which I realize does not always rest well on the peace-hungry heart. However, it does have a way of launching me headfirst and flailing into writing the very thing I so vehemently try to avoid. And so we are. And now that we're here, writing is what I will do. I am here simply to be honest about the dilemma I see with how our current spirituality is failing to meet the needs of the next generation. With the ways I will search for the meaning and truth that I really do believe is out there. There are many things we need to rethink. Many sacred traditions that need not be thrown out for the pure sake of starting fresh. And many traditions that absolutely need to die for the sake of our souls and the souls to come.
One thing I can promise you is that this absolutely will be a bumpy ride and one that I will often regret starting. As it always is with writing. The amount of times I have been driving and something I wrote flashes back to me to taunt me is uncountable. However, being filled with embarrassment at something previously said is the fate of all who speak. I cannot stand still for fear I will fall in a ditch should I take a step.
This has been a long-awaited break of ground and I am finally ready to jump in.
