It wasn’t long ago that motion pictures of floral altars, soft whites, and I do's plagued me with cynicism. Truth be told, sometimes they still do. It's hard to watch a love blossom in front of a crowd with the dark cloud of foresight hanging over me. I know what happens when the light no longer shines on brimming hopes and sparkling fantasies. Often I feel like I've seen it too many times to believe I'm witnessing an anomaly.
You can only watch people put together their glowing portraits for so long before you know it’s only a matter of time before they realize it’s a puzzle of fractured pieces.
I knew that I needed to believe that there were people out there that could hold fragmented humanity, not just chain a person to their own dream. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, there was no widening these rolling eyes.
And you know, when we met, I never wanted a wedding. Not even a little bit.
I’d take my grey hair and tea alone before I’d ever become a statistic. I promised myself I'd never be a cynic, but I knew full well I was a skeptic. These hands would still hold another but there would be no arms locked around me. I had things to see and my own two perfectly capable feet.
I didn't know at the time I had found a place that would take my humanity free and uninhibited. A white picket fence that wouldn't lock me away, but hold me while I visit. A place where I could stay if I chose, but where the key stays in the lock, reminding me that this was love, not a contract.
And I know that this title is no Instagram caption, but you're the boy I didn't care to marry. Witnessing your soul through your eyes was all the promise I needed. Seeing how the light danced between us was so much better than certainty.
I had my questions, and though I wanted to be bold, I asked them timidly. Hoping.
Is it okay that all I want is your perfect company? Is it okay that I don’t need you to complete me?
I find it funny now, the way we went about it all. I remember sitting with a beer on your porch swings as you asked me all the things like, “what are you looking for?” and “could you ever see this thing ending in a ring?”
"No," I replied.
"No?" you asked taken back.
"No. I’m not looking for anything. I like you a lot, but this is merely a stop on my journey and then I must be on my way again. I am not looking for love. I am here only to turn over a new stone in my search for the infinite."
"Strange, but okay, I’m game."
"So you’ll take me just like this? A friend with no expectations?"
"I think you and I will have a lot of fun together and then, when you’re ready, you can take flight again, you little hippie gypsy."
We did have a lot of fun together those few months. We laughed and we cried. We danced our faces off and we still do.
We fell in love the way that people do.
A wedding doesn't seem so scary anymore. A white dress no longer looks so much like a prison. I know I owe this to you because you didn't build me a castle but asked if I would like to build my own next to you.
And while I don't need your signature on a dotted line, that's not to say that someday you won't have mine. I love marriage and all of its forever ties. Maybe someday you and I will have that too, but for now, you have my wholehearted, eyes-beaming, untethered, and unreserved, "I do."
Because you and I have so much more to do.
